Some days I feel pretty good and I fool myself into thinking that I've turned a corner and everything is going to be ok. I do more than I should that day taking care of things that need doing. The next day I can hardly drag myself out of bed. On the days I go into my store - because things don't get done the way I want them to if I'm not there - other employees from other stores around me come in and feel obliged to tell me how good I look that day, only because I sucked it up and didn't let it show. One employee seemed to tell everyone what was wrong. Tellers at the bank, venders and even the guys who come in daily to get the trash. I can't get away from it. I get so tired of everyone bringing it up all the time. I know it is because they are concerned but still, it's hard to get away from it. And it's hard to tell them everything is alright when it isn't.
Yes, you're life is changed, but there is still lots of positive things to find in it. Allow yourself the days to not feel good mentally. You are, after all, a human being.
Sonni
nothingtolose said
Jan 14, 2010
Rio
Here's hoping u receive yr liver transplant very soon ] I also understand why you didn't want to tell yr family but i think now that they know, the support will be really good for you, Mandy and the children.
Take Care
KAB said
Jan 13, 2010
Thinking of you lots Rio...Hang in there
KAB
rio said
Jan 13, 2010
Thank you to you all for contacting me with words of support and sorry I haven't replied as quicly as I would have liked, but I'll write soon, I'm just so bloody tired all the time at the mo...
rio x
medusa said
Jan 11, 2010
Hi Ian, We all have those days. Keep strong and know that you have lots of friends here to share the experience. It is a good place to help ourselves and each other. Bon Courage , Annie xxxxx
Vectorwoman said
Jan 10, 2010
{{{HUGS}}}
-- Edited by Vectorwoman on Sunday 10th of January 2010 07:35:33 PM
LaurieBluesGuy said
Jan 10, 2010
Nice post mate,
we all have had days like this, but life always gets better.
If life wasn't peaks and troughs we would never appreciate the peaks. At least that's my philosophy.
B cool bro,
Lau
rio said
Jan 10, 2010
I've had another one of those crappy days today, not because anything went wrong or anybody said or did anything to piss me off. But just 'because'.
I've had plenty of those days where plenty has gone wrong in recent months. At times it felt like it was open season for having a 'pop'. Since my first attack and subsequent diagnosis I can honestly say that nearly every part of my life has changed.
Some things I have come to learn; it doesn't matter how much stuff you surround yourself with or how high you build your towers, it can all be blown away in an instant.
Never feel untouchable or above this because one day, it really could be you.
But I'm not writing to lecture you, not today. I just want to 'blood let' for a while and write it down. Because my day really has felt pretty 'crap', So I thought I'd share it with you. Some bloody mate, eh? And it helps somehow, writing it down, somehow I find it helps me to see through the fog. I can concentrate line by line what I feel and eventually, when I raise my head and start to read itt back, I can look at it with some clarity, and say "yeah, that's it" like I'm listening to someone else telling me this 'nightmare-ish' story.
I only recently told my family even though we've known for some time about my HCV and that the only treatment left open to me was a liver transplant. I couldn't see the point of telling them because I didn't want to worry them and I knew there was nothing they could do about it anyway. I also didn't want this kind of questioning getting in the way every time I saw them because it's now more than ever that I just want to enjoy their company.
Mandy was furious that I wouldnt tell them because she said it was their right to worry. I understood where she was coming from but I didn't want to be the object of their pity so reluctantly she agreed to go along with it.
It's only since it was becoming increasingly obvious that something was wrong and I was turning yellow that I decided to 'come clean' so to speak.
However, I try my best to be my 'old self' whenever I go over, like I do whenever I go to any of my friends and families place, or if I bump into someone in the street.
But you can always see as we're talking, the conversation going on behind the eyes. Its the evaluation of when I was my old self; and now. The "oh Christ he looks awful" and the its true then and all the while their mouth goes into 'autopilot' as they ask "so, how are you?" Then the realisation of the enormity of that question!
For my family it is genuine concern but for many it's a "bollocks, bollocks, bollocks, why did I say that" moment. I try and getaway with Yeah, yknow, just plodding along a get out for both of us but some people just dont know when to stop!
But, after a day like yesterday, when I felt really good and like I was getting somewhere.I took the dog out on a good long walk, as I do, and I'm thinking "yeah, I can whup this things arse, no problem.. And then today, as ever Im tired and in pain so I end up spending the day doing very little and staying in bed. The kids will come in periodically and crawl all over you and you feel like screaming at them because their hurting you or keeping you from your sleep. Or you want squeeze them tight to you and get comfort from their innocence and lack of understanding of the situation.
And thats when the emotional roller coaster kicks in. You start to wonder if youll ever get a transplant because God, youre sick of feeling sick. You want to make plans but then you know you cant. The why me? and the why not you, who ever said life was fair? And you start to believe that everything youve ever done could just be about to go down the toilet.
It does make you feel afraid and even cry. You want to hide and under the covers and have a really good blub like you did when you were a kid, hoping your Mum would hear and come and tell you it was just a nasty dream and that everythings alright now, sshhh.
Mandy has been great and so have the kids. They made me realise that all that truly matters in life is the people you surround yourself with. And then you want to blub. But, for now I just have to hang in there. I know theres light at the end of the tunnel, but some days it's just a little obscured.
My life has been punctuated by some massive highs and extreme lows and for the most part I wouldn't change a thing. I know everything is supposed to happen for a reason but for me, on days like today, it just dont work anymore
Some days I feel pretty good and I fool myself into thinking that I've turned a corner and everything is going to be ok. I do more than I should that day taking care of things that need doing. The next day I can hardly drag myself out of bed. On the days I go into my store - because things don't get done the way I want them to if I'm not there - other employees from other stores around me come in and feel obliged to tell me how good I look that day, only because I sucked it up and didn't let it show. One employee seemed to tell everyone what was wrong. Tellers at the bank, venders and even the guys who come in daily to get the trash. I can't get away from it. I get so tired of everyone bringing it up all the time. I know it is because they are concerned but still, it's hard to get away from it. And it's hard to tell them everything is alright when it isn't.
Yes, you're life is changed, but there is still lots of positive things to find in it. Allow yourself the days to not feel good mentally. You are, after all, a human being.
Sonni
Here's hoping u receive yr liver transplant very soon
Take Care
KAB
Thank you to you all for contacting me with words of support and sorry I haven't replied as quicly as I would have liked, but I'll write soon, I'm just so bloody tired all the time at the mo...
rio x
Bon Courage , Annie xxxxx
-- Edited by Vectorwoman on Sunday 10th of January 2010 07:35:33 PM
I've had plenty of those days where plenty has gone wrong in recent months. At times it felt like it was open season for having a 'pop'. Since my first attack and subsequent diagnosis I can honestly say that nearly every part of my life has changed.
Some things I have come to learn; it doesn't matter how much stuff you surround yourself with or how high you build your towers, it can all be blown away in an instant.
Never feel untouchable or above this because one day, it really could be you.
But I'm not writing to lecture you, not today. I just want to 'blood let' for a while and write it down. Because my day really has felt pretty 'crap', So I thought I'd share it with you. Some bloody mate, eh? And it helps somehow, writing it down, somehow I find it helps me to see through the fog. I can concentrate line by line what I feel and eventually, when I raise my head and start to read itt back, I can look at it with some clarity, and say "yeah, that's it" like I'm listening to someone else telling me this 'nightmare-ish' story.
I only recently told my family even though we've known for some time about my HCV and that the only treatment left open to me was a liver transplant. I couldn't see the point of telling them because I didn't want to worry them and I knew there was nothing they could do about it anyway. I also didn't want this kind of questioning getting in the way every time I saw them because it's now more than ever that I just want to enjoy their company.
Mandy was furious that I wouldnt tell them because she said it was their right to worry. I understood where she was coming from but I didn't want to be the object of their pity so reluctantly she agreed to go along with it.
It's only since it was becoming increasingly obvious that something was wrong and I was turning yellow that I decided to 'come clean' so to speak.
However, I try my best to be my 'old self' whenever I go over, like I do whenever I go to any of my friends and families place, or if I bump into someone in the street.
But you can always see as we're talking, the conversation going on behind the eyes. Its the evaluation of when I was my old self; and now. The "oh Christ he looks awful" and the its true then and all the while their mouth goes into 'autopilot' as they ask "so, how are you?" Then the realisation of the enormity of that question!
For my family it is genuine concern but for many it's a "bollocks, bollocks, bollocks, why did I say that" moment. I try and getaway with Yeah, yknow, just plodding along a get out for both of us but some people just dont know when to stop!
But, after a day like yesterday, when I felt really good and like I was getting somewhere.I took the dog out on a good long walk, as I do, and I'm thinking "yeah, I can whup this things arse, no problem.. And then today, as ever Im tired and in pain so I end up spending the day doing very little and staying in bed. The kids will come in periodically and crawl all over you and you feel like screaming at them because their hurting you or keeping you from your sleep. Or you want squeeze them tight to you and get comfort from their innocence and lack of understanding of the situation.
And thats when the emotional roller coaster kicks in. You start to wonder if youll ever get a transplant because God, youre sick of feeling sick. You want to make plans but then you know you cant. The why me? and the why not you, who ever said life was fair? And you start to believe that everything youve ever done could just be about to go down the toilet.
It does make you feel afraid and even cry. You want to hide and under the covers and have a really good blub like you did when you were a kid, hoping your Mum would hear and come and tell you it was just a nasty dream and that everythings alright now, sshhh.
Mandy has been great and so have the kids. They made me realise that all that truly matters in life is the people you surround yourself with. And then you want to blub. But, for now I just have to hang in there. I know theres light at the end of the tunnel, but some days it's just a little obscured.
My life has been punctuated by some massive highs and extreme lows and for the most part I wouldn't change a thing. I know everything is supposed to happen for a reason but for me, on days like today, it just dont work anymore
Keep well everyone .... Ian