Like I said (and I'm sorry) Untill he wants to quit; there is nothing that you can do to maqke him quit. The main step before even starting a 12 step program is to admit you have a problem.
I have pasted the 12 steps below.
We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Godas we understood Him.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I don't know what I can say that would help.
There is no simple magic cure. He has to somehow see that this is a big problem and decide to change his life style. No one around him can make that decision for him.
Maybe you can plan an intervention. Sometimes that can be successful but if he isn't ready then it might not work.
I will keep you in my prayers.
kitkat said
Feb 19, 2010
Thank You. I must say this though. I don't drink or do drugs and he doesn't hang out with friends so it's not like he's influenced by other's. He has PTSD from childhood and Socaial Anxiety Disorder which makes him not want to get close to anyone else. He expects me to just accept that he's going to do what he's going to do and not care or get upset. We've been together for 8 years and he's never accepted that he has a problem. At therapy, I told the counselor how he was worried about taking a depression medicine bc of his liver, but he didn't care to drink or take lortabs. I'm so frustrated and he expects me to just sit here and smile like it's okay to watch him do this to himself. He says it's his life. Well no, it's OUR life now and if I lose him, I'm going to be the one suffering bc I'll have to be a widow and bury him. He doesn't care what he's doing to himself and it's killing me. He's so used to his Mom not caring about him and letting him do pills and drink among other things, so when he actually has someone who cares like myself, his grandpa, my family, he thinks we're trying to scare him or bitching about it. He's being so selfish and is in deep denial about his problem. I have put up with his addictions for years and he doesn't understand what it's doing to me. He says he does but he don't bc he would quit. I love him so much and I knew he had a problem before we got married, but he got locked up and was clean for awhile after promising me he'd stay that way, then we got married. He's more mad that he's not supposed to drink or take pills than the fact that he's killing himself. Talking to him don't work. Writing letters don't work. Talking to family don't work. Talking to Dr's don't work. He makes me out to be the bad guy bc I want him to live a long life.
symon01 said
Feb 17, 2010
Hi Kitkat,
I think your brave but reading your post here saddens me as I have seen it a few times before, is there any chance you can have a private word with his GP to maybe ween him off these drugs slowly, I know under most circumstances because of this data protection sh**e they will not discuss anything with you, but you are not asking for his medical records your asking for help, his GP will understand, I have worked in similar cases when I was younger and beleive it or not GP's are understanding and you will not be on your own through this, let me know how you get on, and dont forget message me or send postings I try and get on here once a day if I can. take care
DONT FORGET YOUR NOT ON YOUR OWN sy
Vectorwoman said
Feb 17, 2010
I was married for 6 year to a man that was heavilly addicted to cocain. I feel for you. Your husband will not get help till he wants to. There is nothing you can say or do to make him want to quit. Sometimes the only way an addicted person can quit is to totally bottem out in life and sometimes that isn't enough.
If you new he was addicted and you went into the relationship thinking you can fix him; you are in for alot of heart ache.
You have to accept him for who he is (faults and all) or there is truly a huge problem. Im not saying you should give up but to go into a marriage preparred to fix someone never works.
With me I just though he was a social user and didn't realize just how bad addiction could be. I was a social user and luckilly not addicted.
Years and 2 kids later I could no longer handle him being gone all weekend doing who knows what and me at home worrying.
I guess I don't really have any advise. I just feel that I can relate and I am sorry that you are having to go through this.
Moocow said
Feb 17, 2010
Sounds like you have your hands quite full.
And, I'm sure you're very frustrated, so I'm going to lay some things out and not candy-coat anything, because that is not what you need right now-
1. You've already "lost" him to some degree- an addict is just what they are, he's putting his addictions before you, his marriage and everything else, no matter what he says if confronted.
2. You can't change him. No matter what you do, until he gets help and treatment for his addiction- he's going to use every excuse he can think of to continue his addiction and you will no doubt enable that. Sorry, sounds harsh, but it's true. Part of the problem with addicts/alcoholics are the people that live with them.
3. He's not going to deal with his problem until the bottom comes up- and sometimes that can take a very long, long time.
4. Your choices are simple- a) Have a visit with his doctor and lay it out. Tell him what is going on, see what he has to say or advise. b) You could leave him to his own devices for a while (separate) and I'm no advocate of divorce, but sometimes we have to do what we need to in order to save ourselves- his addictions are only going to end up pulling you down with him and destroying everything you have in your marriage. That's a fact.
The bottom line is he needs treatment for his addiction issue- that has to be addressed, period. If he decides to treat, clean or not- there is a possibility that the treatment for HCV process will indeed trigger those addiction issues again, so he's going to have to face his addictions FIRST, get cleaned up, then treat for the HCV, but he has to be honest about his addiction issues with the specialist, so they can monitor his pain medication use. Yes, most of us require pain management on treatment.
Also, you can't measure his pain levels, but it's quite easy to measure his intake of pain medications. However, once you step into the "nanny" routine, he will find other ways to get around your "monitoring of intake". Believe me, I speak from experience.
Yes, it sound as though he grew up in a home where he learned destructive "self-medication" behaviors and as a whole, we have a society that is brainwashed into believing that everything is fixed with a pill or a drink.
But, the issues as to why people use any chemical run very deep, too deep for anyone that lives with that person to understand. This is why he needs professional help, but the problem is, he will not respond UNTIL he decides he has a problem.
You are the one who has to decide if you want to completely intervene or not. And, it will all start with confronting him, his behavior and see what happens-
kitkat said
Feb 17, 2010
My husband has hep c. He got it when he was younger. He recently had to go to the er and found out his liver enzymes are elevated. He had surgery on his fooot about a month or so ago and the dr gave him lortabs, knowing he has hep c. The dr asked him at his pre op if he needed more and of course he said yes. He is an addict that grew up on a house where pills were abused. He has always had an addictive nature. He won't throw away the rest after the nurse at the er told him that he shouldn't be taking them. I've had surgery 5 times and know that it don't hurt that long afterward. Noone I know has needed refills after surgery. He is in denial and won't accept the fact that he's getting hooked on them. He takes them like he's supposed to but after months of taking them everyday and his past addiction problems, he says when he runs out he won't take anymore. I don't want to lose him and I'm scared to death. He's only 23 and had it since he was 17. I'm so frustrated. Any advice???
I have pasted the 12 steps below.
I don't know what I can say that would help.
There is no simple magic cure. He has to somehow see that this is a big problem and decide to change his life style. No one around him can make that decision for him.
Maybe you can plan an intervention. Sometimes that can be successful but if he isn't ready then it might not work.
I will keep you in my prayers.
I think your brave but reading your post here saddens me as I have seen it a few times before, is there any chance you can have a private word with his GP to maybe ween him off these drugs slowly, I know under most circumstances because of this data protection sh**e they will not discuss anything with you, but you are not asking for his medical records your asking for help, his GP will understand, I have worked in similar cases when I was younger and beleive it or not GP's are understanding and you will not be on your own through this, let me know how you get on, and dont forget message me or send postings I try and get on here once a day if I can.
take care
DONT FORGET YOUR NOT ON YOUR OWN
sy
If you new he was addicted and you went into the relationship thinking you can fix him; you are in for alot of heart ache.
You have to accept him for who he is (faults and all) or there is truly a huge problem. Im not saying you should give up but to go into a marriage preparred to fix someone never works.
With me I just though he was a social user and didn't realize just how bad addiction could be. I was a social user and luckilly not addicted.
Years and 2 kids later I could no longer handle him being gone all weekend doing who knows what and me at home worrying.
I guess I don't really have any advise. I just feel that I can relate and I am sorry that you are having to go through this.
And, I'm sure you're very frustrated, so I'm going to lay some things out and not candy-coat anything, because that is not what you need right now-
1. You've already "lost" him to some degree- an addict is just what they are, he's putting his addictions before you, his marriage and everything else, no matter what he says if confronted.
2. You can't change him. No matter what you do, until he gets help and treatment for his addiction- he's going to use every excuse he can think of to continue his addiction and you will no doubt enable that. Sorry, sounds harsh, but it's true. Part of the problem with addicts/alcoholics are the people that live with them.
3. He's not going to deal with his problem until the bottom comes up- and sometimes that can take a very long, long time.
4. Your choices are simple-
a) Have a visit with his doctor and lay it out. Tell him what is going on, see what he has to say or advise.
b) You could leave him to his own devices for a while (separate) and I'm no advocate of divorce, but sometimes we have to do what we need to in order to save ourselves- his addictions are only going to end up pulling you down with him and destroying everything you have in your marriage. That's a fact.
The bottom line is he needs treatment for his addiction issue- that has to be addressed, period. If he decides to treat, clean or not- there is a possibility that the treatment for HCV process will indeed trigger those addiction issues again, so he's going to have to face his addictions FIRST, get cleaned up, then treat for the HCV, but he has to be honest about his addiction issues with the specialist, so they can monitor his pain medication use. Yes, most of us require pain management on treatment.
Also, you can't measure his pain levels, but it's quite easy to measure his intake of pain medications. However, once you step into the "nanny" routine, he will find other ways to get around your "monitoring of intake". Believe me, I speak from experience.
Yes, it sound as though he grew up in a home where he learned destructive "self-medication" behaviors and as a whole, we have a society that is brainwashed into believing that everything is fixed with a pill or a drink.
But, the issues as to why people use any chemical run very deep, too deep for anyone that lives with that person to understand. This is why he needs professional help, but the problem is, he will not respond UNTIL he decides he has a problem.
You are the one who has to decide if you want to completely intervene or not. And, it will all start with confronting him, his behavior and see what happens-
My husband has hep c. He got it when he was younger. He recently had to go to the er and found out his liver enzymes are elevated. He had surgery on his fooot about a month or so ago and the dr gave him lortabs, knowing he has hep c. The dr asked him at his pre op if he needed more and of course he said yes. He is an addict that grew up on a house where pills were abused. He has always had an addictive nature. He won't throw away the rest after the nurse at the er told him that he shouldn't be taking them. I've had surgery 5 times and know that it don't hurt that long afterward. Noone I know has needed refills after surgery. He is in denial and won't accept the fact that he's getting hooked on them. He takes them like he's supposed to but after months of taking them everyday and his past addiction problems, he says when he runs out he won't take anymore. I don't want to lose him and I'm scared to death. He's only 23 and had it since he was 17. I'm so frustrated. Any advice???